Note and apology: this is very cis/het because that was the situation I experienced. However, it might absolutely apply to any combination of marriers.
It’s May as I write this, and we’re back into Wedding Season, full on. At wedding ceremonies emotions are high, and the adrenaline is pumping. The fight-flight-freeze-fawn response is lurking, ready to erupt. Guests wait on the edges of their seats, eager for their own reaction to seeing the bride, and to the groom’s response to seeing his bride walk down the aisle.
The hugest reaction I have witnessed is similar to the AI-generated image that I have posted as the feature photo. Here’s the scenario.
The bride is standing at the end of the aisle with her mom as her escort. She looks divine in her Disney-princess bridal gown. She is a vision. She is 30. He is younger. The groom is a bit of a cocky guy. He has resisted making any kind of connection with me and I don’t push it. He is standing with his back to the aisle, kind of looking to his left, joking a bit with his band of five mid-20’s groomsmen who are clearly out of their element in their tuxedos, squirmy and inattentive. The music swells and the bride nods at me, signalling it’s time for the groom to turn. I say his name to get his attention, and he turns around.
His mouth falls open as he sees his bride standing at the end of the aisle. He falls to his knees on the ground, and covers his mouth, stifling his sobs.
He lifts his head and shakes it a few times. “I’m not worthy, I’m not worthy!” he says, hugging himself and starting to rock a little.
The bride and Mom are walking really slowly up the aisle – and it’s a long one! – to give him a chance to compose himself. The guests don’t know whether to laugh at him or cry with him.
Some are visibly embarrassed, looking to sky or hiding their faces. His parents look horrified and are frantically whispering to each other. I catch some unkind comments from guests. The five bridesmaids, hide behind their flowers.
The groomsmen are all looking at each other, stricken, kind of laughing, and shoving each other a bit. They don’t know how to deal with this display of emotion. I’m both fascinated and surprised – like driving by an accident – and then I realize it’s up to me to move us all forward from this.
Finally, I reach out to the terrified-looking Best Man who looks like he’s about to bolt: “Dude! Get this guy up! You’re his back-up man, get him UP!”
The groom is restored to standing and pulls himself together by the time the bride and her mom reach the top of the aisle. He steps forward to embrace his mother-in-law, and then brings his bride into position in front of the arch. The bridesmaids do their thing with the dress and the flowers, and we take a deep breath and begin the ceremony
The rest of the ceremony takes place with some laughs and some tears during the vows, and with everyone staying on their feet.
That groom’s emotions were surprising to everyone. He was not prepared for the impact of seeing his fiancée in her wedding gown. He was not prepared for suddenly realizing the significance of the moment, that he was getting MARRIED. The months of planning boiled down to that one startling and overwhelming realization.
There’s nothing wrong with public displays of emotion, especially in a wedding scenario. What could have reduced the impact of that moment?
A First Look might have been good. It is certainly something that could have calmed nerves. It may have prevented any embarrassment the groom has to face for the rest of his life being reminded of his crumpling to the ground, because I think those buddies of his are the types of guys who will never let him forget it!
And you know what? Maybe he’s proud of his reaction and sees nothing out of the ordinary. Maybe he thinks it proves he’s a man with emotions and he’s not afraid to show them. Good for him!
The other thing to consider is that the wedding party has to be prepared for things. They need to try to anticipate things that might go wrong and what they might do to step in to comfort, to help, to offer tissues, to troubleshoot, to be the rock that the couple chose them to be.
Final word: when couples want their first look to be at the aisle, in front of all their guests, they need to really think it through and decide what they can handle, and what any risks might be.
